Sunday, May 4, 2014

Hoden's Guide to Lovemaking and Small Engine Repair #2

Tip #78:

I speak from experience:  ALWAYS be sure to follow immigration laws diligently when bringing a foreign paramour into the country.  If you take shortcuts, you’ll only find yourself holed up in a snake-infested arroyo, trading fire with the goddamn Mexican Marines. 

Tip #78a: 

Trust, but verify.  The absolute worst time to find our that she’s a high-ranking member of the Juarez Cartel is in the middle of a firefight with the motherfucking Mexican Marines. 

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Hoden's Guide to Lovemaking and Small Engine Repair

Tip #5:

If you want to really sweep her off her feet, look deep into her milky white pupils,* take her in your arms while dipping her as deeply as her current hip allows, and in your most seductive voice, tell her "Baby, I'm going to make you forget all about Adolphe Menjou. **

Tip #31:

If you're having trouble starting your rototiller after a long winter, try draining the old fuel from the tank and replacing it with fresh fuel.  Your engine has to work much harder to burn old, stale gasoline--especially after it's been sitting unused for several months.

* Cataracts may make it hard for her to identify you; be sure to announce yourself before attempting physical intimacy.  If she also suffers hearing loss, work out some sort of prearranged secret handshake. 
** Google it. 

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Something Wonderful

From Cap'n Adam Hoden

Now, this requires a little effort, but I guarantee the results are worth it.  First, get a little stoned.  Then, mute the Bruno Mars video:


Then, start this video with the sound 'on:'  

Now, allow the two videos to play simultaneously, and enjoy Leonard Nimoy's fucked up day, minus a  mediocre soundtrack. 

Happy Holidays

From The Brotherhood of Gentlemen Alcoholics

From our family to yours, may you have a joyous holiday, no matter what you celebrate


What I assume is an awkward, slightly confused Passover:

Whatever the hell Riḍván is: 

Chinese Language Day:


Or just Sunday:

Saturday, March 15, 2014


And for Christ's sake, don't hang around with any Roman Senators...
...They tend to get a little 'stabby.'

Thursday, February 6, 2014

What the Fuck Mormons?

From The Special Needs Group:

I’m on record as a critic of the Mormon Church.  I’ve been critical of it on this very blog, in fact. 

That doesn’t mean I’m anti-Mormon.  Really, I’m really not.  A lot of my friends are Mormon--I actually live in an area where you couldn’t hate Mormonism and still function as a member of the community.  It goes without saying that most members of the LDS church are among the friendliest, most caring, decent people you can find. 

I only really ever call the Church out when it does or says something that hurts innocent people.  The institutional Church support of California’s 2008 Proposition 8 (and one of the groups most responsible for getting that measure passed); allowing, and in some cases, encouraging Mormon families to cut ties with apostate family members, including their teenage dependents; whitewashing the Church’s history; posthumously baptizing Holocaust victims even after they promised their families that it would stop; their past teaching that black people were the feted sons of Cain; their beliefs about women, who--OK this is long past the point of turning into a rant, which I was trying to avoid.

The Prop. 8 fiasco reminded Church leaders why they usually try to avoid the spotlight.  Protesters filled Temple Square, news reports detailed their involvement in bankrolling the efforts to get the bill passed, nation-wide scrutiny, these are all things that the LDS Church likes to avoid.  The Catholic Church is used to this kind of treatment--they probably considered the criticism they received a welcome respite from what they normally have to deal with.  *cough* child rape *cough* 

So why the hell did BYU-Idaho spend money making this weird, unhealthy, offensive piece of shit:

Like, a lot of money.  Seriously, the costumes, the weapons, the relatively high production values,  what sounds like an original orchestral score.  This thing took serious time, money, and effort.

It hasn't happened yet, but I'm pretty sure this is going to be a huge, embarrassing shitstorm for the University, and the Church as a whole.  How could it not?  They're saying that jerking off is exactly like fighting in World War II. 

Film Credit: BYU Idaho Housing and Student Living Office (e-mail:  Voice-over Credit: BYU Idaho President Kim B. Clark (e-mail