Thursday, May 23, 2013

Bears, Oh My!

From Shamus “Inches” O’Toole 

Koalas are evil.  That’s a little tidbit that you won’t hear in the mainstream zoo media.  

Rest assured that a Koala, given the chance, will kill you, torture your family, disembowel and rape (in that order) your pets, chainsaw your friends, and take your grandma to a lovely dinner at an upscale restaurant and order a wine that clashes with the entree.  Then disembowel and rape her (in that order). 

They really are the scheming sociopaths of the marsupial world.  It is very fortunate for us, then, that koalas are incredibly lazy.  

Koalas aren’t out to destroy humanity, at least not in the short term.  No, the primary target of the Knights of the Koala Kabal, or KKK, the race that truly infuriates the two vaginaed Australian eucalyptus munchers is the panda.

We must be vigilant.  If the koalas ever get their shit together, it will spell doom for the cutest of our lethargic, two-toned pseudo bears.  Until then, always remember what Martin Niemöller said, “First they came for the pandas, and I said nothing...”

Photo credits: 'Koala climbs tree' by DAVID ILFF.  'Lightmatter panda' by AARON LOGAN.

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