Sunday, September 15, 2013

Jesus Miguel Hernandez's Bucket List

Published Without Permission by Cap’n Adam Hoden
  1. Be pulled over by the US Postal Police.
  2. Claim a territory for the United States under the Guano Islands Act.
  3. Reincorporate the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics.
  4. Travel back in time to 1930, push Edith Keeler into the path of an oncoming automobile.
  5. Be elected sheriff in the deep south, immediately give in to corruption.
  6. Find true love, thoroughly sabotage same. 
  7. Gain dominion over life and death, abuse the fuck out of it.
  8. Save Detroit.
  9. Collapse Union of Soviet Socialist Republics.
  10. Steal a Helicopter.
  11. Find out who’s been stealing my blood while I’m asleep. 
  12. Develop blowgun skills to the point that I can reliably hit Rick Berman with a curare dart.  
  13. Have angry intercourse with Anna Gunn.
  14. Learn shorthand.
  15. Apologize to Anna Gunn.
  16. Have angry, tearful intercourse with Paula Deen. ✓✓✓
  17. Finally put an end to the Winter Olympics.  
  18. Assassinate Hitler clone. 
  19. Destroy all records of having cloned Hitler.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

It's Hot, Goddamn It!

From Shamus "Inches" O'Toole

Penthouse just fired me because my letters weren't sexy enough.  My latest one's likely to go unpublished.  I wanted to post it here, but my honored associates refused to let me publish the whole thing.

After hours of negotiation--and serving them drinks full of chopped-up Flunitrazepam-- they agreed to let me share a short excerpt.  Here is what I feel is the most titillating passage:

...She was playing my manhood like a theremin. Not like in Good Vibrations, that was actually an instrument called a tannerin. Both are electronic in nature, and the two
instruments can sound very similar.  In fact, the tannerin is often referred to as an 'electro-theremin' for that reason.

Led Zeppelin often used a true theremin in live versions of Whole Lotta Love, which must be one of the most well-known uses of the device. Actually, I'm sure that some of the more popular songs played around Halloween included theremins, but at that moment, I couldn't think of any. Even if there were some, Whole Lotta Love was probably better known by virtue of being played by Zeppelin. Good lord was that a great band!

I started thinking about Jimmy Page, and immediately lost my erection.

"Oh well," I told myself, "the hour's almost up anyways." In truth, I probably could have salvaged the session, but I didn't want to take the chance of having to pay extra if I went over the allotted time.
I left the cash on the nightstand while she was cleaning up. I left less than I had agreed to pay, but I felt justified--pizza deliveries are free if they don't come in thirty minutes or less. By that logic, this evening should have been gratis.

While I was driving home, the local DJ told me to stay tuned for a thirty minute 'rock block' of Led Zeppelin.

Life was good.

Dude, fuck Penthouse, that's hot as hell.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013


From Cap'n Adam Hoden

I honestly don't know if I'm more scared or sad anymore.  All I really know is, I'm pretty sure there's no going back.

I can, however, still be a sardonic asshole.  Here's a recent solicitation from the DNC, and my e-mail reply:

Adam --

We're basically out of time.

The midyear fundraising deadline is in just 72 hours and we still have a $730,000 gap we have to fill. If we fall short, Speaker Boehner can rest easy knowing that he has the upper hand going into the 2014 elections. If we see a last-minute grassroots surge, we could actually overtake the Republicans and win a Democratic House for President Obama.

Adam -- if you're planning to give, we could really use your support today.

Name: Cap'n Adam Hoden
Suggested Support: $3.00

Stand with President Obama: Donate $3 today and your donation will be matched dollar-for-dollar >>

When we have to report our numbers to the Federal Election Commission, everyone will be watching to see if our grassroots strength can compete with Boehner and his corporate backers. We can't fall short on this one.

Can you chip in today -- even if it's just 3 bucks?

Let's do this,

Democratic Headquarters


To whom it may concern:
I would love to support the Democratic Party, and I agree that it is important to remove Tea Party Republicans from their positions in Congress.
Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that records of my communications with other US citizens are likely being seized and recorded by the federal government for morally and legally dubious reasons.  
Were I to show my support of the Democrats by donating money to the party and its candidates, this information might be collected, analyzed, and stored for unknown reasons for an unknown period of time.  You'll understand that I cannot take the risk that these records may be used to discriminate against me should the Republican Party ever come to power again.  
Knowing the GOP like you and I do, we're both no doubt aware that when in power, Republicans have a poor track record of upholding civil rights.  George W. Bush especially treated the Fourth and Fifth and Sixth Amendments more like suggestions than the basic, inalienable laws that they are.  Future Republican Presidents would probably be even worse.
I shudder at the very thought of living in a country without being protected from unreasonable search and seizure or the guarantee of due process of law and being tried by a jury of my peers.  What a nightmarish, Orwellian dystopia that would be! You can clearly see why it would be unwise to ever leave a record of my supporting Democrats. 
Adam Hoden
PS:  I was glad to hear President Obama's assurances that the NSA's domestic surveillance activities are transparent.  I look forward to reviewing the FISA court cases that no doubt completely  justify the program. . .if and when those records are declassified.  

Dueling Double-0s

From Jesus Miguel Hernandez

They missed their chance in Skyfall, but it's not too late.  It's time to bring Sean Connery out of retirement to play a Bond villain.

I'm not talking about a silly, wink at the audience, lighthearted stream of fanservice villain.  I'm talking about a dangerous, brutal, 'holy shit he might actually win' villain.  I want him to be a villain that hurts Bond.  I want a villain who's actions permanently change the world for the worse.  I'm talking about a villain who will, unlike all the past Bond villains, steal a nuclear bomb, and then fucking use it.  I want Connery to be the Bond villain that vaporizes a city.

You'll never convince me that Kincade wasn't a part that was written specifically for Connery.   You don't write a scene that has a character grease some fucker with a shotgun (complete with that Bond one-liner, "Welcome to Scotland"), without Sean Connery in mind.  But as cool as that would have been, I'm glad he didn't appear.  It would have been a waste of potential.  As the man responsible for building the Bond franchise, he should be the on who poses a serious danger of tearing it down.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Bears, Oh My!

From Shamus “Inches” O’Toole 

Koalas are evil.  That’s a little tidbit that you won’t hear in the mainstream zoo media.  

Rest assured that a Koala, given the chance, will kill you, torture your family, disembowel and rape (in that order) your pets, chainsaw your friends, and take your grandma to a lovely dinner at an upscale restaurant and order a wine that clashes with the entree.  Then disembowel and rape her (in that order). 

They really are the scheming sociopaths of the marsupial world.  It is very fortunate for us, then, that koalas are incredibly lazy.  

Koalas aren’t out to destroy humanity, at least not in the short term.  No, the primary target of the Knights of the Koala Kabal, or KKK, the race that truly infuriates the two vaginaed Australian eucalyptus munchers is the panda.

We must be vigilant.  If the koalas ever get their shit together, it will spell doom for the cutest of our lethargic, two-toned pseudo bears.  Until then, always remember what Martin Niemöller said, “First they came for the pandas, and I said nothing...”

Photo credits: 'Koala climbs tree' by DAVID ILFF.  'Lightmatter panda' by AARON LOGAN.