The President didn't do well in his first debate with Mitt Romney, but with my help, I believe he can expect a solid victory if he just remembers that presentation is everything. Here are my suggestions, given "free" of charge.
- Republicans are scared of black people. Use it to your advantage.
- Walk on stage shirtless, sporting a chest tattoo of that picture of dead Bin Laden that everybody's been demanding; below that, thirteen unexplained tally marks.
- Wear bloody sports tape over your knuckles. Is it cow blood or human blood? Doesn't matter, nobody's going to ask.
- First impressions are key.
- No matter what the first question is, this will be your answer:
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON THEE!
- A President is only as good as his advisors.
- Joe Biden redeemed himself at the last debate. According to article thirteen of the Bruce Campbell Accords, he is now a badass. Dismiss your Secret Service detail, and replace them with Joe Biden dressed like this:
Now get your ass out there and win this thing.