Tuesday, October 16, 2012

My Advice to Barak Obama

From Jesus Miguel Hernandez

The President didn't do well in his first debate with Mitt Romney, but with my help, I believe he can expect a solid victory if he just remembers that presentation is everything.  Here are my suggestions, given "free" of charge.

  • Republicans are scared of black people.  Use it to your advantage.
    • Walk on stage shirtless, sporting a chest tattoo of that picture of dead Bin Laden that everybody's been demanding; below that, thirteen unexplained tally marks.
    • Wear bloody sports tape over your knuckles.  Is it cow blood or human blood? Doesn't matter, nobody's going to ask.
  • First impressions are key.
    • No matter what the first question is, this will be your answer:
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON THEE!  

  •  A President is only as good as his advisors.
    • Joe Biden redeemed himself at the last debate.  According to article thirteen of the Bruce Campbell Accords, he is now a badass.  Dismiss your Secret Service detail, and replace them with Joe Biden dressed like this:

Now get your ass out there and win this thing.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Clearly She Is a Witch and Must Be Put to Death

From Cap'n Adam Hoden

Have you ever picked up a guitar and started strumming idly?  Then, maybe without you even realizing it, you start to play a familiar riff?  If you're like me, you might have realized that you were playing something you've heard before, and start trying to figure out what it is you're playing.

Perhaps you're the obsessive sort, like me, and so the closer you get to the tune you remember, the harder and harder you try until you've spent the last hour and a half playing the same riff over and over again, and that your fingers are now so sore that it feels like you're typing on sharp, hot coals.

Then, as if by delivered from on high by the vengeful Creator Himself, the realization hits you that you are not, in fact, playing a forgotten favorite from your youth, but rather a 14-second TV jingle that hasn't played on TV since 1990!

Well, dear reader, I have.

Fuck you, Clorox 2.

 Fuck you.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Dixon Hill's a Real Dude?

From Cap'n Adam Hoden

I just changed my desktop image to the Edward Hopper classic, Nighthawks, and I noticed something that shook me to to the nerdiest part of my soul:

 You see that man sitting next to the woman in red?

That's Patrick Stewart.

Nighthawks was painted in 1942, so. . .what the hell?

Friday, August 24, 2012

Unfunny Post # 47

From Cap'n Adam Hoden

If you don't listen to Harry Shearer's radio program, which is also available as a free podcast, you should at least give it a try.  Since he seems to be impossible to contact through normal means--e-mail, telepathic astral projection, smoke signals, etc.--I shall post a minor quibble I have with something he said in this week's show as an open letter on this venerated blog.  

Dear Mr. Shearer,

You recently complained, in your singularly entertaining way, about the trend of English nouns being used as verbs.  Words like ‘spend’ and ‘ask’ are being repurposed to describe actions by those who do not have the patience to use words like ‘expenditure’ or ‘request.’  

I too find nominalization irritating--in the same way that I find strolling through a field of thistles irritating--but, alas, a cursory examination of the history of the English language shows us this trend is completely consistent with the way in which English has always evolved. We, unfortunately, are the ones who are wrong.   

English is an amazingly complex and adaptive language which is always kind enough to change itself to fit the times in which it is used.  In this time of instantaneous mass communication through e-mail, text messaging, twitter, and the like, English adapts so very quickly to meet the demands put on it, that many of us our left behind.

Stephen Fry, a noted user of English and, I believe, an acquaintance of yours had this to say about us:

“If you don’t like nouns becoming verbs, then for heaven’s sake avoid Shakespeare; he made a ‘doing’ word out of a ‘thing’ word every chance he got.  He tabled the motion and chaired the meeting in which nouns were made verbs. I  suppose new examples from our time might take some getting used to.  He ‘actioned’ it that day, for instance, might strike some as a verbing too far, but we’ve been sanctioning, envisioning, propositioning, and stationing for a long time, so why not ‘actioning’?  ‘Because it’s ugly, whinge the pendents,’ but it’s only ugly because it’s new and you don’t like it.”

I still cringe when I hear ‘verbing,’ or split infinitives, or terminal prepositions, but I know full-well that these are simply not banned by the rules of English.  We must, however, keep our irritation to ourselves.  Admonishing people for using perfectly acceptable language just because we don’t like it is “Just the sort of nonsense up with which [Winston Churchill would] not put.”

Your faithful listener, 

Clinton "Shovel Dick" Mathews  

Fun fact: Everything we were taught in school is wrong.