Sunday, December 25, 2011

From Cap'n Adam Hoden

Well, it's 11 AM on Christmas Day, and I'm already drunk.  Congratulations, world--you win.

Friday, December 16, 2011

A Word

From Shamus (Inches) O'Toole:

Chiropodist.  I've been waiting six years to use that word, and by-god I'm not waiting any longer.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Give me a Fucking Job Puffery 2

From Cap'n Adam Hoden

Today, the second entry in my campaign to become an ad executive:

As a police reserve officer, I’ve found myself in some hairy situations. The reservesare always called in whenever there’s an event that those cocky career officers can’t handle, and this November, they were screaming for us.

There were some...oh, let’s say ‘undesirables’ in town who had set up shantytown and were causing a minor inconvenience to some of our more well-to-do citizens. When when the rabble started picketing City Hall, the mayor called in the reserves.

As a reservist, I haven’t had the training that the career officers have had (or the experience, dedication, discipline, parking privileges,...). That’s why I’ll only carry the Oppressamatic 7700 Led-Wighted Riot Baton. No other truncheon has the durable mahogany construction combined with the impact-friendly lead end-weight of the Oppressamatic 7700.

Protesters will know you mean business when you brain them with the Oppressamatic 7700. Not even their Guy Fox masks will protect them from its awesome power. Thanks to Oppressamatic, those dirty hippies know that my mayor NEVER uses the back door.

Oppressamatic 7700: When you absolutely, positively gotta break some mother-fucker’s fingers.

Monday, December 12, 2011

An "Editorial" From Jesus M.

In memory of Andy Rooney.

From Jesus Miguel Hernandez:

Call me crazy, but I miss spontaneous erections. I remember a twelve year old Jesus standing in a museum, trying desperately to cover a meaningless, unwanted erection from his family. Nothing in particular had caused it--in fact, in this instance, it was wholly inappropriate.

We were on a tour of the Heard Museum in Phoenix, Arizona. The Heard is an institution that is dedicated to Native American art and culture; so in essence, I had sprung a boner while surrounded by the plight of the American Indian.

Today, this wouldn't be a problem. Were I to sport wood in such an undesirable situation, I would simply take a few deep breaths and perhaps think about Janet Napolitano, and the situation would resolve itself in no time. To my twelve year old body, however, there was absolutely nothing that would deter that unfocused excitement. Except it wasn't excitement, that meat-sword had honed itself upon nothing but the stimulus of--well, nothing.

In today's culture of four-hour Cialis and Viagra hard-ons, I can't help but look back on the innocent erections of my past with a fond nostalgia. Perhaps we will all one day learn to appreciate the spontaneous erections that only our youth could bring.

I'm Jesus Hernandez.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

BGA's Christmas Drink Suggestions

From Captain Adam Hoden and Jesus Miguel Hernandez:

It's Christmas time, and that means that we proud members of the Brotherhood of Gentlemen Alcoholics must make an effort to promote appropriate seasonal booze. Generally, the responsibility would fall upon our honored associate Shamus O'Toole, but he is unavailable--it seems that he's enlisted the Turkish Navy.

Christmas is a season for BGA members can let their hair down and enjoy far less formal cocktails. Normal Brotherhood rules, of corse, require members to abstain from alcoholic beverages that don't taste like liquor--those drinks being designed solely for the purposes of intoxicating college girls--but December marks a time of year during which Brothers may too enjoy drinks with a holiday theme. In that spirit, we suggest that you ask your bartender for any of the following delightful holiday drinks.
  • The Candy Cane: a delightful vodka and peppermint schnapps cocktail.
  • Eggnog: pour brandy, rum, or bourbon into eggnog. What's not to like?
  • The Hot Toddy: basically booze and hot water. Again, what's not to like?
  • Any of the myriad delicious Christmas punch recipes.
  • Hot Chocol-
Actually, you can probably just pour some rum or brandy into any of your children's favorite drinks and call it a Christmas cocktail--who the hell will know the difference?

So from me, Mr. Hernandez, and the absent Mr. O'Toole, Happy Holidays. And try not to fight anyone.

Astsubay Kıdemli Çavuş Shamus "Miktar" O'Toole, TCG Gaziantep
(Petty Officer 2nd Class Shamus "Inches" O'Toole, TCG Gaziantep)
We're not sure which one is him.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I mean, Loretta Swit was hot, but...

From Jesus Miguel Hernandez:

I'm not saying I do it, but is it weird to jerk off to the "M*A*S*H*" theme song? Not the one from the movie, the instrumental one...

That can't be right, can it?

Monday, December 5, 2011

Give Me a Fucking Job!

From Capt. Adam Hoden:

A few days ago, I got faced on a bottle of Listerine and watched a season of Bewitched. I do this a lot--not always in that particular combination, of course, I'll occasionally get crocked on aftershave and watch Mad Men.

These shows have quite a lot more in common than you might think. Both are more or less about casually misogynistic functional alcoholics who run ad agencies in the sixties. I consider myself a bit of a renaissance man (in that I do not bathe and rub mercury on my genitals to stave off syphilis), and I feel that I would make one hell of an ad executive, if only somebody would give me a chance.

So, if you'll indulge me, I'd like to submit an open application to any ad agency that would be willing to hire me. To prove it, heres a bit of Peterman-esque puffery I wrote to sell the beverage to which our beloved blog owes its very existence:

I woke up this morning half-naked in the back seat of a driverless taxicab. I had no idea where I was, or even what city I was in. My left shoe was missing, and I had no money, but I was pretty sure that the blood in my hair wasn't mine. Thank you, Night Train.

Any booze will get you drunk, but nothing gets you as fightingly, knee-crawlingly shit-faced as Night Train Express fortified wine. Not only is Night Train Express more powerful than other brands (17.5% alcohol by volume), but it's also dirt cheap and available almost anywhere!

So tonight, why not treat yourself to a good time? Punch a parking meter! Burn down a police car! Pass out in an intersection!

Night Train Express: Come on, it's not like you're gonna remember!