Monday, November 23, 2009

Motherhood Syndrome

From Cdre. Adam Hoden with contributions from Shamus (Inches) O’Toole and Jesus Miguel Hernandez:


I read an article today on Salon which made me wonder why, in fact, American society is so irritated by the mothers of young children. Please understand that when I say “society,” I mean “Adam Hoden and his honored associates.”

To solve this mystery, I invited the help of the senior associated of our beloved Special Needs Blog to share their views about motherhood, child rearing, and children in general. The following is a cleaned-up excerpt from our conversation, sans profanity:


CAH: “So, gentlemen, why are the mothers of young children such pains-in-the-ass?”

JMH: “There doesn’t seem to be a happy median in child-rearing anymore. Mothers seem to be ether abusively neglectful or, otherwise, constantly hovering over their children with a leash in one hand, and a Neosporin spray bottle in the other. Both options are terrible, but children need both structure and freedom. Safety and boundaries are essential, but in order to become fully mature children must have time to play and learn on their own; they must, at times be free from their ‘helicopter moms.’”

SO: “That’s true. Kids should be given a chance to grow on their own, without their entire childhood being scheduled away. Case in point, the other day I was laying in the gutter, where a little kid found me and poked me with a stick. Then I heard his mother screech, ‘Timmy don’t touch that filthy man!’

There’s not an Irish person alive—myself included—who doesn’t pine for carefree childhood days in the old country spent poking drunks with sticks. That’s what’s wrong with mothers in this country.”

CAH: “And then there’s the self-importance. Mothers claim moral superiority simply because they’re mothers. They have this idea that they’re giving a great gift to society, ignoring the fact that their most likely raising a future felon—some crack-addled monster that’ll just as soon shank you for the gold in your fillings then rape your lifeless carcass, as look at you.”


At this point, the conversation turned to the merits and drawbacks of necrophilia. We did, however, come to the conclusion that human reproduction is immoral and best left to scientists as a means of harvesting vital organs.

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