Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Dispatches from a Volcano

From Jesus Miguel Hernandez

Each year, on the seventh of December, we illustrious members of the Special Needs Group open the heavy mahogany doors of our grand interstate headquarters to the general public in a grand celebration we have taken to calling The Special Needs Open House. As the exact location of our headquarters is a closely guarded secret, the event is often very low-key. This year was no exception. Since our open house has had relatively little interest from the general community over the years, let me give you a little insight into the inner workings of our beloved Special Needs Group and Auto Club.

The group’s headquarters itself was constructed by indentured laborers in 1945 in the magma chamber of an extinct volcano. The laborers, who entered into indenture in the hopes of escaping various legal troubles in their homeland, imposed their own Germanic sensibilities onto the construction process, helping to give the Special Needs Group Interstate Headquarters the dramatic Gothic look for which it is famous today.

The laborers proved incredibly organized and industrious. With their almost faultless military precision, they were able to complete the gargantuan project by late spring of 1946. Given new identities, the workers were relocated by the Special Needs Group to Central America. Many of the former laborers have remained in relative seclusion ever since, but others have remained in contact with their former employers. With knack for discretion and impeccable record keeping has allowed for many lucrative business ventures between the expatriated former laborers and The Special Needs Group over the years.

The underground fortress has been home to The Special Needs Group ever since—with the brief exception of 1977, when it enjoyed fleeting notoriety as the interim headquarters to the Legion of Doom. Today, the headquarters boasts a state-of-the-art communications center, radiation resistant living quarters for the associates and employees of The Special Needs Group (for profit earners only), several decades of freeze-dried rations, clean water, and insufficient plumbing. The Legion of Doom very generously supplied our headquarters with a complex “defensive” weapons grid, complete with machine gun nests, and medium-range intercontinental ballistic “fireworks” emplacements.

The headquarters supplies our honorable associates with a place to meet and compose new blog posts in quiet, blast resistant, solitude. This is how we keep bring you fresh helpings of your favorite blog on a regular basis.

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