From Captain Adam Hoden
Ladies and gentlemen—actually, let me start over. I just assumed that you are either ladies or gentlemen. That was very wrong of me. Its possible that you are too young to comfortably call yourselves ladies or men, preferring a presumably more age-appropriate girls and boys. Perhaps you are a member of one of the myriad species of rodentia that I’m told enjoy our humble blog. You could even be, for all I know, spirit beings, and have no need for sexual characteristics; but yearn to experience just once—for even a microsecond—the pleasure of another being’s touch. If that is the case, my friends, let me express the pity I feel for your endless state of living hell.
Ladies, gentlemen, boys, girls, small mammals, and androgynous spirit creatures, if I seemed somewhat rambling in my opening paragraph, I do apologize. You see, for the last twenty-three hours I have been playing the Star Wars: Force Unleashed videogame, and my thoughts are a bit nebulous. Playing the game and thinking about the government, as I often do, I was struck by a rather odd realization. We’ve completely mis-caricatured our Vice President. Dick Cheney does not resemble Darth Vader to the slightest degree.
Darth Vader is in reality a rather tragic character. He began his life as innocent Anakin Skywalker, who turned to evil in a desperate attempt to save his beloved Padmé. Though he devoted much of his life malice, Vader’s selflessly give his life to save his son and daughter. Though this arguably was not enough to fully redeem his numerous acts of cold-blooded murder, he at least eventually discarded his wicked ways.
If Dick Cheney is any Star Wars character, he’s got to be Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin. Tarkin was a practiced bureaucrat who rose to a powerful government position, only to grab even more power. He was content to rule through fear, and was willing to do anything to thwart those who threatened that rule. He suborned torture, and even laid waste to Alderan (pronounced Iraq) to hold on to his power. He died rather than abandon the instrument of his authority.
So please, ladies gentlemen, and assorted entities, lets stop defaming Lord Vader by ancoring his memory with Dick Cheney.
This concludes the nerdiest blog post I have ever written. Tune in next week when I compare George W. Bush to Jar-Jar Binks, Barak Obama to Mace Windu, and Sarah Palin to these chicks.