Thursday, October 30, 2008

For the Love of God, Make It Stop!

By Shamus (the Sot) O’Toole

I’m tired of hearing from McCain about Joe the Plumber. Every day, every speech we hear more and more about Joe the Plumber. Now, Joe the Plumber even has a fucking publicist. I think I speak for the majority of the universe when I say ENOUGH.

I don’t want to hear what Joe the Plumber has to think. I don’t care what his stance on states’ rights is. I don’t need to hear his views on gay marriage. In fact, from this moment forward, I’m calling for a media ban on Joe Wurzelbacher and anybody else who uses the first name-article-occupation style moniker. This includes, but is not limited to: Joe the Plumber, Tito the Builder, John the Senator, Sarah the Simi-Literate Governor, George the President, Grace the Tax Clerk, Ted the Rock Star, Mott the Hoople, Sharon the Guttersnipe, Mack the Knife, or Winston the ‘Fixer.’

I’ve come to the decision, dear reader(s), that if John McCain wins the election, I’ll drink myself into a four year coma. At least I won’t have to deal with Joe the Cabinet Member. Nixon’s already tried plumbers in the Whitehouse, and it didn’t turn out so well for him.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Sports Fuck: The World Series

by Woody "Cricket Bat" Flavour

Dear Misses,
It's the World Series again (has it been four years already?????) Luckily this time it didn't land on a leap year, or else we would have had one less day of baseballic fun. Hopefully this time the U.S. will bring home the gold plated gold medal of honor of baseball. So here's to Barack Obama and the United States winning shit again......

Thursday, October 23, 2008

That's Right, I'm a Nerd

From Captain Adam Hoden

Ladies and gentlemen—actually, let me start over. I just assumed that you are either ladies or gentlemen. That was very wrong of me. Its possible that you are too young to comfortably call yourselves ladies or men, preferring a presumably more age-appropriate girls and boys. Perhaps you are a member of one of the myriad species of rodentia that I’m told enjoy our humble blog. You could even be, for all I know, spirit beings, and have no need for sexual characteristics; but yearn to experience just once—for even a microsecond—the pleasure of another being’s touch. If that is the case, my friends, let me express the pity I feel for your endless state of living hell.

Ladies, gentlemen, boys, girls, small mammals, and androgynous spirit creatures, if I seemed somewhat rambling in my opening paragraph, I do apologize. You see, for the last twenty-three hours I have been playing the Star Wars: Force Unleashed videogame, and my thoughts are a bit nebulous. Playing the game and thinking about the government, as I often do, I was struck by a rather odd realization. We’ve completely mis-caricatured our Vice President. Dick Cheney does not resemble Darth Vader to the slightest degree.

Darth Vader is in reality a rather tragic character. He began his life as innocent Anakin Skywalker, who turned to evil in a desperate attempt to save his beloved Padmé. Though he devoted much of his life malice, Vader’s selflessly give his life to save his son and daughter. Though this arguably was not enough to fully redeem his numerous acts of cold-blooded murder, he at least eventually discarded his wicked ways.

If Dick Cheney is any Star Wars character, he’s got to be Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin. Tarkin was a practiced bureaucrat who rose to a powerful government position, only to grab even more power. He was content to rule through fear, and was willing to do anything to thwart those who threatened that rule. He suborned torture, and even laid waste to Alderan (pronounced Iraq) to hold on to his power. He died rather than abandon the instrument of his authority.

So please, ladies gentlemen, and assorted entities, lets stop defaming Lord Vader by ancoring his memory with Dick Cheney.

This concludes the nerdiest blog post I have ever written. Tune in next week when I compare George W. Bush to Jar-Jar Binks, Barak Obama to Mace Windu, and Sarah Palin to these chicks.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A Letter to Barack Obama

By Cap'n Adam (the indignant one) Hoden

I read an article in Slate Magazine by Liza Mundy about her problems researching Michelle Obama for her new book, Michelle: A Biography. It prompted me to write the following e-mail to the Obama Campaign.

Notice how I shoehorned my complaint into a question in the last paragraph to meet his web site's e-mail requirements?

I will post the reply, if I get one, in a future post.

To whom it may concern:

I was very disturbed when I read an article by Liza Mundy in Slate Magazine today ( describing the resistance that the author encountered from the Obama campaign while researching Michelle Obama for an upcoming biography.

I understand the caution a Presidential candidate and his campaign must exhibit while dealing with the press. However, after reviewing Mrs. Mundy’s body of work, I must admit that I am confused as to the reason for the Obama Campaign’s resistance. Mrs. Mundy seems to be a skilled and objective journalist.

Sen. Obama is no doubt aware how critically important government transparency is to maintaining a free society, and that the press is the public’s watchdog in maintaining that transparency. The current President has made a habit of obstructing and deceiving the media, and is very disturbing, therefore, to learn of Sen. Obama’s campaign actively hindering a press investigation.

I would like to close this letter by saying that I support Sen. Obama. I hope that he brings the change he promises; change that our country desperately needs. But can we really expect that change when your campaign impedes the press just as President Bush does?


Adam Hoden

Dictated but not read.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Mr. Paulson Can You Spare a Dime?

From Cap'n Adam Hoden

With the recent news of the economy being what it is, I think its time we familiarized ourselves once again with the 1930s. Therefore, I'd like to announce the kickoff to what will be The Special Needs Group's look at dealing with hard times.

Part 1: Knowing the Music:

They used to tell me I was building a dream, and so I followed the mob,
When there was earth to plow, or guns to bear, I was always there right on the job.
They used to tell me I was building a dream, with peace and glory ahead,
Why should I be standing in line, just waiting for bread?

Once I built a railroad, I made it run, made it race against time.
Once I built a railroad; now it's done. Brother, can you spare a dime?
Once I built a tower, up to the sun, brick, and rivet, and lime;
Once I built a tower, now it's done. Brother, can you spare a dime?

Once in khaki suits, gee we looked swell,
Full of that Yankee Doodly Dum,
Half a million boots went slogging through Hell,
And I was the kid with the drum!

Say, don't you remember, they called me Al; it was Al all the time.
Why don't you remember, I'm your pal? Buddy, can you spare a dime?

Thursday, October 2, 2008

A Paper Boy's Lament

Editor’s Note: We literally have no idea what Woody Flavour is talking about. Instead of trying to edit his rambling post in any way, we’ve elected to present to you, in its original form, ‘Goodman’ Woody (Cricket Bat) Flavour’s post. We present it to you in this way as a cry for help of sorts; evidence of his illness, if you will. As always, Mr. Flavour’s opinions do not reflect the views or opinions of The Special Needs Group, its affiliates, lackeys, sponsors, footmen, operatives, third world militias, or parent company: Hernandez Religious Idol Corporation.

By Woody (Cricket Bat of Sorts) Flavour

What have I become? I mean come on, its the 2000s people. There's not enough news going around. And the only kind that is going around is the fake kind. The kind where Republicans equal more that 1/3 of regular people. All I'm saying is that I think the newspapers should employ paper boys again. This whole economic down turn has choked the money out of the lifeblood that is the wallet of the common dog faced paperboy.

I remember this old guy from the barbershop, who remembers a time when Americans got their news from a prepubescent to pubescent guy toddering around on a ten speed bikecycle. It was a wondrous time filled with printed homonyms and syllogisms. Cotton candy and moon pies filled the room with all sorts of piles of doughy crustynuts. Cereal grew on trees and mailboxes were made of pressed wood from floorboards of the rich.

It's time that the guys wearing their designer ties driving around in their Deloreans and eating their caviar and drinking their Mad Dog 20/20.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Of Mice and Women

By Captain Adam Hoden, with contributions from Jesus Miguel Hernandez and Shamus O’Toole:

After reading and rereading our previous posts for the previous several days, I’ve become concerned that our opposition to Governor Sarah Palin could be mistaken as sexist—I’m looking at you Hernandez. I feel that, bearing this in mind, the honored fellows of The Special Needs Group (including Tobias the Sorry Clown, but not Woody Flavour) must clarify our position on Gov. Palin.

Sarah Palin should never be our Vice President. She is shockingly, shamefully, dangerously unprepared and unqualified for the position. This is not because she is a woman. The Vice President must be prepaired to become President of the United States at a moment’s notice; and Sarah Palin does not have the skills or knowledge that would make her an effective Chief Executive.

Our research minions have provided us with a list of Republican women who we think are vastly better qualified to be Vice President than Governor Palin. The following are just four of the members on that outstanding list of exceptionally qualified and respected women.

Sen. Elizabeth Dole (R-NC): Sen. Dole is a Phi Beta Kappa graduate of Duke University, and has attended graduate programs at Oxford and Harvard, receiving both a master’s in education and a Juris Doctorate from the latter. She was Secretary of Labor in the George H.W. Bush Administration, Secretary of Transportation under Reagan, and Federal Trade Commissioner under Nixon. Sen. Dole later served as president of the American Red Cross. She has served in the Senate since 2001 and has is currently a member of the Committee on Armed Services and the Committee on Banking, Housing, and Urban Affairs.

Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME): Sen. Collins has been in national office for 11 years and is a member and the former chairman of the Homeland Security and Government Affairs Committee; a member of the Armed Services Committee; and Special Committee on Ageing. She has also served on the Committee on Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions; Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations; Ad Hoc Subcommittee on Disaster Recovery; Subcommittee on Oversight of Government Management, the Federal Workforce, and the District of Columbia among others.

Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R-FL): Rep. Ros-Lehtinen is the longest serving Republican woman in Congress, having been a U.S. Representative continuously since 1989. She earned a PhD in Education from the University of Miami. She served in the Florida State Congress for six years between 1982 and 1988. Rep. Ros-Lehtinen is a ranking member of the House Committee on Foreign Affairs, and is currently co-chair of the Congressional Vision Caucus and the National Marine Sanctuary Caucus. Her eligibility office comes into question, however, having been born was born in Cuba.

Gov. Linda Lingle (R-HI): Gov. Lingle is the the first Republican, first woman, and first Jewish person to serve as governor of Hawaii. She served in several local political offices, founded the successful Molokai Free Press newspaper, and chaired the Hawaiian Republican Party before being elected for her first term in December of 2002. As Governor, Lingle played a key role in turning the state’s budget deficit of $250 million into a surplus of $730 million, a record for Hawaii. She also served as deputy chair of the 2004 Republican National Convention.

Knowing that these and several other experienced and qualified Republican women are available, one has to wonder what the hell John McCain was thinking.

A Haiku

From Cap'n Adam of Hoden

Holy crap she's dumb.
She might be our president;
I'm Canada bound.

I'm not much of a poet, so do yourself a favor and read about a real poet, Sarah Palin, in this Slate Magazine article by Hart Seely.