Monday, September 29, 2008
My friends, fall is upon us, bringing with it colder weather, greyer skies, a new school year, and deep, deep depression. Bearing that in mind, I would like to remind you that The Brotherhood of Gentlemen Alcoholics is winding up their annual fall membership drive!
We all know that drinking is an invaluable tool when it comes to driving and parenting, but did you know that it’s also a great way to kill time? Why should you have to endure the endless winter months alone when Johnny Walker, Jose Cuervo, Old Mr. Jameson, George Dickel, George T. Stagg, and hell, even those dirty little bastards Jim Beam and his chum Jack Daniels all want to help you through?
Drinking can make the most boring activities, such as piloting an aircraft, captaining an oceangoing vessel, or brandishing a firearm, seem fun and exciting. Just ask Sean Connery:
If that look on his face after he takes his first sip dosen't say "Yum!," then I don't know what does.
Gentlemen—and ladies, I suppose, but who can tell?—I have plumbed the depths of the internet, and I have witnessed some weird, deplored, grotesque things. I’ve seen a man fucked to death by a horse, I’ve seen Chris Farley’s bloated corpse; I’ve even seen Brazilian chicks eat excrement like soft serve ice cream to the tune of Lover’s Theme, but I’ve never seen smut like this:
This obscene photograph is obviously meant to suggest still-President Bush's head on Mt. Rushmore next to the greatest men in the history of the United States. I do like how Presidents Washington and Lincoln seem to be judgmentally glaring at Bush, though.
Only 112 days ‘till the Bush Administration is just a memory. I feel that everybody should do what they can to make that memory easier to handle. For example, I plan to remember it as a blurry series of disjointed images--like a fever dream! I've got a buddy who swears he's going to slam Everclear until he can't remember it at all. However you choose to remember it, let's all agree to be glad its over, and not to carve his head into any mountains.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Sarah Palin is sexy. She’s down-right fuckable. I’m not sure if it’s the Tina Fey, vulnerable-yet-spunky-librarian-MILF thing she’s got going on, or if it’s just the fact that insane right wing chicks are universally hot (see here, here, here, here, here, here, and the exception that proves the rule here).
I’ve noticed, however that some people have confused her insane come-shag-me-until-I–believe-in-global-warming looks with actual astuteness. In the interest of deflating our collective wood, I’d like to remind everybody that Sarah Palin is a functional moron (see here, here, here, and another fugly conservative here). She does not believe in protecting endangered species, evolution, or teaching safe sex—preferring instead the all but debunked abstinence only programs. Tom Perrotta wrote an excellent article about the bizarre paradox of sexy abstinence advocates for Slate Magazine.
There’s no shame in wanting to have weird, degrading, amoral sex with Sarah Palin. I know I do. But please, don’t cast your vote for anyone based on their sex appeal. There’s a reason penises aren’t allowed to vote.
UPDATE: If i didn't make the case against Sarah Palin, let Sarah Palin do it:
Watch CBS Videos Online
What language do they speak in Alaska?