Thursday, July 31, 2008

Gas Up the Hummer, Mabel!

By Shamus (Inches and Miles) O’Toole

It is time to come out of the closet. I’m not going to be ashamed anymore. After years of hiding my feelings, I just can’t deny my true nature any longer. Ladies and gentlemen, I, Master Inches O’Toole, am an anti-environmentalist.

I’m not one of those nutters who believes that the world was intended solely for mankind’s use, or that the free market will save the day. No, dear readers, I’m not a conservative blowhard, a ditto head, a fundamentalist, or even functionally retarded. I just want to watch as every man, woman, and child on this partial-birth abortion of a planet slowly suffocates on their own effluent.

You might think that’s a little harsh. But before you judge me, I challenge you to give me one example of the positive effect our species has had on anything. I’ve long been against human reproduction, but it seems mandatory sterilization in not likely to happen. Therefore, I put it to you that it is every person’s duty to leave the largest carbon footprint possible. Let’s let some other species run the planet for a while. Maybe dolphins will do a better job of it.

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