By Captain Adam (Jelly Roll) Hoden
Yesterday, my old-time jazz band, The Plessey Fergusons, and I were discussing the plethora of problems that our nation faces today. No member of The Plessey Fergusons claims to be a political genius, but we believe we may have come up with a solution to the gay marriage issue.
We propose that the term “marriage” be stricken from the law. Everybody, gay or straight, who wishes to enjoy the legal benefits of what we now call marriage, will apply for a civil union in the state in which he, or she, or he/she resides. If they wish to call themselves “married,” well, what the hell, let’s let ‘em.
Religious groups will wish to independently decide whether or not they’ll sanction the civil unions as marriage, but I’m sure most gay couples won’t care whether or not The Third Baptist Church and Grill of Butt-Fuck Louisiana says they’re married.
This strategy will allow all persons who love each other—be they gay as spring time, or straight but bi-curious—the full legal benefits of marriage.
Finally, as a way of apologizing for the way gays have been treated in the past, we propose that each openly gay couple be given a pass to Sea World of San José, and a Greek Passport.