Thursday, June 26, 2008

Holy Crap

By Jesus Miguel Hernandez; with contributions from Cap’n Adam Hoden, and Shamus (Archbishop of Funkytown) O’Toole

I’d like to post a notice to the people who wish me to convert to Christianity—you know who you are. I really don’t care what The Bible has to say.

I know that you do, and that’s ok with me. I understand that to Christians, The Bible provides answers to every question from “who should I pray to,” to “what should we do about the queers?” With unbelievers, however, The Bible commands roughly as much gravitas as TV Guide; less, in fact, because The Bible can’t tell me when to watch Deadliest Catch.

I do have a Bible in my house; it’s a hangover from my days of Mormonism. These days it spends most of its time in a closet next to my Billy Blanks tapes and my unopened can of New Coke. When I was a Mormon, I read a great deal of The Bible, and even then, in the prime of my spiritual life, it didn’t impress me much, and it certainly doesn’t impress me now.

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