Monday, June 30, 2008

Sports Fuck! Again!

by Woody "Cricket Bat" Flavour

Evenin' there wayward souls. It's been a few weeks but sports and bla bla bla......

Went and saw Styx and Boston the other was good...i mean Styx...Boston was like a drunk uncle or something though...trying to ruin Thanksgiving or whatever.

Listen I'm starting a petition to create a new professional baseball league. The MLB has been pissing me the fuck off for a month or a year or something. We should have the MLB and the "Super Baseball League of America" (SBLA). The MLB will keep being judgemental pricks and ruining all of our fun and the SBLA will allow supergenetic steroid-utilizing baseball machines to beat the fuck out of eachother. Mark McGuire will come back. It'll be awesome. They just have to provide their own steroids.

Let's do this people.

Editor's Note: As always, Mr. Flavour's comments do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of The Special Needs Group, its affiliates, lackeys, sponsors, footmen, or parent company: Hernandez and Son's Hydraulic Adult Toy Co. Also, we will never again allow Mr. Flovour to post while drunk.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Holy Crap

By Jesus Miguel Hernandez; with contributions from Cap’n Adam Hoden, and Shamus (Archbishop of Funkytown) O’Toole

I’d like to post a notice to the people who wish me to convert to Christianity—you know who you are. I really don’t care what The Bible has to say.

I know that you do, and that’s ok with me. I understand that to Christians, The Bible provides answers to every question from “who should I pray to,” to “what should we do about the queers?” With unbelievers, however, The Bible commands roughly as much gravitas as TV Guide; less, in fact, because The Bible can’t tell me when to watch Deadliest Catch.

I do have a Bible in my house; it’s a hangover from my days of Mormonism. These days it spends most of its time in a closet next to my Billy Blanks tapes and my unopened can of New Coke. When I was a Mormon, I read a great deal of The Bible, and even then, in the prime of my spiritual life, it didn’t impress me much, and it certainly doesn’t impress me now.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

We're Here! We're Queer! We Wanna See Shamu!

By Captain Adam (Jelly Roll) Hoden

Yesterday, my old-time jazz band, The Plessey Fergusons, and I were discussing the plethora of problems that our nation faces today. No member of The Plessey Fergusons claims to be a political genius, but we believe we may have come up with a solution to the gay marriage issue.
We propose that the term “marriage” be stricken from the law. Everybody, gay or straight, who wishes to enjoy the legal benefits of what we now call marriage, will apply for a civil union in the state in which he, or she, or he/she resides. If they wish to call themselves “married,” well, what the hell, let’s let ‘em.

Religious groups will wish to independently decide whether or not they’ll sanction the civil unions as marriage, but I’m sure most gay couples won’t care whether or not The Third Baptist Church and Grill of Butt-Fuck Louisiana says they’re married.

This strategy will allow all persons who love each other—be they gay as spring time, or straight but bi-curious—the full legal benefits of marriage.

Finally, as a way of apologizing for the way gays have been treated in the past, we propose that each openly gay couple be given a pass to Sea World of San José, and a Greek Passport.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

We're Back, Baby!


By The Special Needs Group

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls; any animals that somehow navigated to our page, WE’RE BACK!

Yes, the Special Needs Group, touted by some to be the most relevant blog ever, has returned to its adoring throng with tales of the hiatus that seemed like it would never end.

Each of our honored associates is poised over his respective keyboard, eager to share stories of their hiatus. Shamus will enthrall us with tales of his triumphant return to the land of his birth—only to end up drunk, naked, and lost in Scotland. Jesus will tell us about his safari, and perhaps share with us exactly where he “found” a metric ton of ivory. Cap’n Adam is simply turgid with anticipation of telling us about his journey to the New York Comic Convention, or ComiCon, as the nerds say. And, I’m sure Woody Flavour will make us all cringe with some horrible contribution of his own.

So join me in ruckus celebration at the reopening of our beloved Special Needs Blog.