Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Stinkin' Patriots

By Jesus Miguel Hernandez

Two nights ago, my honored and very inebriated associate, Inches O’Toole, was on my porch; pounding on my door. I don’t usually accept visitors at 4:15 AM, but Inches seemed quite desperate.

He told me that his wife wouldn’t let him in the house, and that when he tried to get into his back door, his dog bit him. He then doubled over and emitted an arch of emerald disgorge onto my carpet. While I attempted to help my associate clean his bite wounds—and convince him to take a damned shower—I reminded him that he does not have a wife or a dog, and that he in fact lives in a third story walk-up.

Goodman O’Toole’s tendency to impose his besotted plight on me and our honored associate Captain Adam Hoden may be sometimes irksome, but it occurs to me that he is just in his own way supporting the very industry that made this great country what it is today.

Forget what you were told about tea. The drink that instigated the American Revolution was Rum. John Hancock was famous for smuggling molasses, the key ingredient of rum. Samuel Adams started his career in his family’s brewery. George Washington retired from the Presidency to build the largest whiskey distillery in The United States at the time.

When Alexander Hamilton convinced Congress in 1791 to impose a tax on distilled spirits, it prompted an insurrection known as The Whiskey Rebellion. Washington had to activate the militia to impose order and collect the taxes.

Indeed from George Washington’s own lovingly crafted whiskey to Billy Beer, the alcohol industry helped to make this country what it is today. I say God bless those pickled bastards whose love of drink is just another way of saying ‘I pledge allegiance…’

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