Tuesday, March 4, 2008

And Just Why the Hell Can't I Get a Moxie Around Here?

By Inches O’Toole

I was a fool. I walked into the store yesterday thinking that I was in America, and I could get any food I pleased regardless of the season. You see, every once in a while, I feel a need for a cool glass of eggnog. In the dairy section of the local market, however, I was informed that eggnog is a seasonal drink and that I would have to wait until next Christmas. I asked, quite reasonably, if there was some sort of rationing in effect on eggnog—I mean there is a war on. The clerk told me that they didn’t sell enough of the drink during the off months to warrant offering it. I then became verbally abusive and was escorted off the premises.

This strikes me as being part of a disturbing trend in the food world. I’ve been looking in vain for Hostess Baseballs, a variation on the standard chocolate Hostess CupCakes, which are apparently only available during the baseball season. I find chocolate CupCakes to be unpleasantly sweet. The vanilla flavored Baseballs, however, are refreshing and delightful*.

I was also recently informed—much to my dismay—that Surge, once a staple of high school students across the country, has been taken away from us forever. Luckily, there is among us a tireless group dedicated to bringing Surge back from Coca-Cola’s Soft Drink Purgatory†, where it now rots with the likes of, Vanilla Coke, Coca-Cola C2, Coca-Cola With Lemon (still available in West Bank-Gaza), Coca-Cola Raspberry (seriously), and, naturally, New Coke. These dedicated crusaders will not rest until Surge makes its triumphant return to store shelves. And I am proud to say that I now count myself among their ranks.

*Refreshing and delightful is a registered trademark of the Hostess Corporation
Soft Drink Purgatory is a registered trademark of the Coca-Cola Corporation and Global Cabal.

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