By Captain Adam Hoden
Following my associate Jesus Miguel Hernandez’s characterization of himself as being reminiscent of Ricardo Montalbán circa 1967—and of myself as a flabby, sexless nerd—many of you have requested that we post a picture of Goodman Hernandez.
Unfortunately, no known images of Jesus Miguel Hernandez exist. Therefore, as a service to our reader(s), I have asked the people who know him best to describe my honored associate.
Mr. Tony Hughes: The first time I met Jesus he was holed up in my garage cooking drugs on a hotplate. I’d never had anybody threaten me with a knife before, but as I looked into that six year old’s eyes, I knew he was capable of killing me.
CAH: What happened?
Mr. Hughes: The little bastard stabbed me in the knee.
CAH: Can you describe his physical appearance?
Mr. Hughes: ‘Bout 3-6. Skinny. Cold, cold eyes.
Mrs. Betsy Roswell: I was married to Jesus in the nineties.
CAH: Really? I didn’t know that.
Mrs. Roswell: Twenty-three and a half of the worst hours of my life.
Mrs. Roswell: Pretty sure he was queer.
CAH: Oh. Can you describe him for our readers please?
Mrs. Roswell: Portly, about 6-1, great big co—
CAH: Thank you, Mrs. Roswell.
Chief Petty Officer Norman Oslo: He was my bunkmate back in “C” School.
CAH: Did you know him well?
Chief Oslo: No, not well. Well, I mean, he had to leave after a few days. Got in a bit of trouble with some dock workers. The military, you know, is pretty strict with that sort.
CAH: I see. Would you describe him for the readers please.
Chief Oslo: Yeah, he was about 5-8, muscular, and he had these dreamy blue eyes.
CAH: Thank you, Chief.
Chief Oslo: Hey, you won’t use my name, will you?
CAH: Don’t worry.
So there you have it. Straight from people who know him best.