Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Remembrances of an Hernandez Past

By Captain Adam Hoden

Following my associate Jesus Miguel Hernandez’s characterization of himself as being reminiscent of Ricardo Montalbán circa 1967—and of myself as a flabby, sexless nerd—many of you have requested that we post a picture of Goodman Hernandez.

Unfortunately, no known images of Jesus Miguel Hernandez exist. Therefore, as a service to our reader(s), I have asked the people who know him best to describe my honored associate.

Mr. Tony Hughes: The first time I met Jesus he was holed up in my garage cooking drugs on a hotplate. I’d never had anybody threaten me with a knife before, but as I looked into that six year old’s eyes, I knew he was capable of killing me.

CAH: What happened?

Mr. Hughes: The little bastard stabbed me in the knee.

CAH: Can you describe his physical appearance?

Mr. Hughes: ‘Bout 3-6. Skinny. Cold, cold eyes.

Mrs. Betsy Roswell: I was married to Jesus in the nineties.

CAH: Really? I didn’t know that.

Mrs. Roswell: Twenty-three and a half of the worst hours of my life.

CAH: What?

Mrs. Roswell: Pretty sure he was queer.

CAH: Oh. Can you describe him for our readers please?

Mrs. Roswell: Portly, about 6-1, great big co—

CAH: Thank you, Mrs. Roswell.

Chief Petty Officer Norman Oslo: He was my bunkmate back in “C” School.

CAH: Did you know him well?

Chief Oslo: No, not well. Well, I mean, he had to leave after a few days. Got in a bit of trouble with some dock workers. The military, you know, is pretty strict with that sort.

CAH: I see. Would you describe him for the readers please.

Chief Oslo: Yeah, he was about 5-8, muscular, and he had these dreamy blue eyes.

CAH: Thank you, Chief.

Chief Oslo: Hey, you won’t use my name, will you?

CAH: Don’t worry.

So there you have it. Straight from people who know him best.

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