Monday, March 31, 2008

We've Been a Long Time Gone

By Inches O’Toole


Ladies and probable gentlemen, my honored associates and I are now back from our sabbatical refreshed and again ready to share our bucolic wisdom with you, our devoted comrades. We return with stories of our travels that we can’t wait to share.


Captain Adam Hoden is positively atwitter with the anticipation of penning his tale of escape from Burkina Faso—I won’t spoil it, but it involves his briefly becoming a Mexican luchador under the pseudonym El Pene Pequeño.


Jesus Miguel Hernandez is particularly hard-up to tell you of his travels to Hermosa Beach to leer at unsuspecting spring-breakers.


I shall humbly seek to entertain you with the saga of my own spring break adventure—and I’ll tell you why they’ll never let me anywhere near Cancun again!

We’re glad you stayed with us over our holiday, and we hope your own spring break was a good one.

Bullocks Drive!

By Captain Adam Hoden

I Googled my name this morning. I Google my name every morning, but today there were three search results that excited me. First, at the very top of the search results page, was a link to Stinkin’ Patriots, Jesus Miguel Hernandez’s study of the besotted mess that is Inches O’Toole. Second, was a banner ad for wrestling shemale midgets. Finally, a YouTube clip of a band named Hoden Lane—quite possibly the best vaguely rockish alterna-indie combo ever.



It’s like they reached into my head, scooped out my brain, and put it in a blender. They added liberal amounts of talent, ice, Drambuie, orange bitters, and blended on medium for thirty seconds. Serve in a highball glass.

Also, they seem to have stolen my name.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen

By Captain Adam Hoden

Dear reader(s):

I am afraid that I shall no longer be a regular contributor to our beloved Special Needs Blog. This very morning, I received two e-mails that have changed the course of my life forever.

It appears on this marvelous day that I have become fortune’s hapless bullseye. Ladies and Gentlemen, I have been informed not only that I have won the Portuguese Lottery, but I am also the long-lost Crown Prince of Burkina Faso. I wasn’t even aware that I was African.

Obviously, much of my time, formally occupied helping my honored associates run a “well known” blog, will now be spent learning French and preparing for my coronation. Today, in fact, I will be very busy wiring some good faith money to Portugal and securing transport to Ouagadougou.

I would like to thank my honored, former associates. You have been my colleagues, my friends and, true bastards. Goodbye suckers, I’ll see you in hell!

I’d also like to thank those of you who have read my posts over this wonderful month. You’ve helped keep me out of the opium dens.

So, precious reader(s), I must bid you a fond goodbye. I wish you Godspeed and the best of luck.

Sincerely,

His Royal Majesty (formerly Captain) Adam Hoden

Dictated but not read.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Stinkin' Patriots

By Jesus Miguel Hernandez

Two nights ago, my honored and very inebriated associate, Inches O’Toole, was on my porch; pounding on my door. I don’t usually accept visitors at 4:15 AM, but Inches seemed quite desperate.

He told me that his wife wouldn’t let him in the house, and that when he tried to get into his back door, his dog bit him. He then doubled over and emitted an arch of emerald disgorge onto my carpet. While I attempted to help my associate clean his bite wounds—and convince him to take a damned shower—I reminded him that he does not have a wife or a dog, and that he in fact lives in a third story walk-up.

Goodman O’Toole’s tendency to impose his besotted plight on me and our honored associate Captain Adam Hoden may be sometimes irksome, but it occurs to me that he is just in his own way supporting the very industry that made this great country what it is today.

Forget what you were told about tea. The drink that instigated the American Revolution was Rum. John Hancock was famous for smuggling molasses, the key ingredient of rum. Samuel Adams started his career in his family’s brewery. George Washington retired from the Presidency to build the largest whiskey distillery in The United States at the time.

When Alexander Hamilton convinced Congress in 1791 to impose a tax on distilled spirits, it prompted an insurrection known as The Whiskey Rebellion. Washington had to activate the militia to impose order and collect the taxes.

Indeed from George Washington’s own lovingly crafted whiskey to Billy Beer, the alcohol industry helped to make this country what it is today. I say God bless those pickled bastards whose love of drink is just another way of saying ‘I pledge allegiance…’

Monday, March 17, 2008

Happy St. Patrick's Day

By Shamus (Inches) O'Toole

My honoured associates asked me, as resident Paddy, to say a few words about the patron saint of Ireland. I assume I’ll be assigned all future articles relating to consumption and The Chieftains as well. I submitted a five thousand word biography of Saint Columba of Iona, before my associate, Jesus Miguel Hernandez, told me that the patron saint of Ireland he was referring to (there are three) was Saint Patrick.

Well, to be honest, I don’t know a lot about St. Patrick, but I’m fairly sure he attempted to introduce abstinence to the Emerald Isle—so thanks for that. I am, however, certain that he was not born in Ireland, didn’t write Saint Patrick’s Prayer, and he chased absolutely no snakes off the island. David Plotz wrote an excellent article revealing the myths about St. Patrick for Slate.com.

Saint Patrick was never known to drink pints of green beer. He likely never ate corned beef and cabbage, and almost certainly did not compare anything to a shamrock. Also, the colour most commonly associated with Paddy is St. Patrick’s Blue. Wearing green is a show of Irish nationalism or allegiance to the Roman Catholic Church. Conversely, wearing orange is a show of allegiance to Protestantism.

My intention here is not to ruin St. Patrick’s Day for everyone. I enjoy a parade as much as the next person. What I am trying to say is that drunkenness needs not a day. It is possible to enjoy a Guinness any day of the year. Do not confine your inebriation to just March 17. Drink on Easter, and on Memorial Day, Arbor Day, Armistice Day, and for god’s sake Christmas Day. Because being pissed 24/7 should be a goal all its own.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Remembrances of an Hernandez Past

By Captain Adam Hoden

Following my associate Jesus Miguel Hernandez’s characterization of himself as being reminiscent of Ricardo Montalbán circa 1967—and of myself as a flabby, sexless nerd—many of you have requested that we post a picture of Goodman Hernandez.

Unfortunately, no known images of Jesus Miguel Hernandez exist. Therefore, as a service to our reader(s), I have asked the people who know him best to describe my honored associate.

Mr. Tony Hughes: The first time I met Jesus he was holed up in my garage cooking drugs on a hotplate. I’d never had anybody threaten me with a knife before, but as I looked into that six year old’s eyes, I knew he was capable of killing me.

CAH: What happened?

Mr. Hughes: The little bastard stabbed me in the knee.

CAH: Can you describe his physical appearance?

Mr. Hughes: ‘Bout 3-6. Skinny. Cold, cold eyes.


Mrs. Betsy Roswell: I was married to Jesus in the nineties.

CAH: Really? I didn’t know that.

Mrs. Roswell: Twenty-three and a half of the worst hours of my life.

CAH: What?

Mrs. Roswell: Pretty sure he was queer.

CAH: Oh. Can you describe him for our readers please?

Mrs. Roswell: Portly, about 6-1, great big co—

CAH: Thank you, Mrs. Roswell.


Chief Petty Officer Norman Oslo: He was my bunkmate back in “C” School.

CAH: Did you know him well?

Chief Oslo: No, not well. Well, I mean, he had to leave after a few days. Got in a bit of trouble with some dock workers. The military, you know, is pretty strict with that sort.

CAH: I see. Would you describe him for the readers please.

Chief Oslo: Yeah, he was about 5-8, muscular, and he had these dreamy blue eyes.

CAH: Thank you, Chief.

Chief Oslo: Hey, you won’t use my name, will you?

CAH: Don’t worry.

So there you have it. Straight from people who know him best.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Looks Like a Young Greg House

From The Special Needs Group (by way of YouTube)

Stephen Fry stars with Hugh Laurie in A Bit of Fry and Laurie.




And another one.

Letter from a Riverside Jail

By Inches O’Toole

Today was the opening of the USTA National Senior Husband & Wife Combo Grass Court Championships in Rancho Mirage California. As I was jonesing for some tennis action, I decided to take a trip to The Golden State.

Right off I’d like to thank the Hair of the Dog Pub, the only authentic British pub in Palm Springs California. I would, however, like to apologize for what I did to the bartender. To be fair, though, any decent barkeep knows that Thin Lizzy is from Dublin; not Belfast.

I’d also like to apologize to Enterprise Rent-A-Car. I will not be able to return your 2007 Ford Focus at the scheduled time. If you have any questions, please contact Gary Bergeron, the business manager of The Hair of the Dog Pub. He’ll be able to give you an estimate as to when his contractors will be able to remove your car from his east wall.

As a special note to Sheriff-Coroner Stan Sniff, the Indio Jail Facility is indeed an effective deterrent. Thank you very much for your hospitality.

If all goes well during arraignment, I’ll be reporting the final four days of the tournament courtside.

Sincerely,

Shamus O’Toole
Booking # RSO 13205

Friday, March 7, 2008

A Letter To Howard Dean

From Captain Adam Hoden



Dear Chairman Dean

I would like to respectfully submit my name for consideration as a Superdelegate to the Democratic National Convention.

I believe that there several reasons that I would make an exceptional “PLEO” delegate. Firstly, I am no longer a Communist. After some soul searching, I have come to accept that there will likely never be a workers revolution in central Idaho.

Secondly, no douche bag moves. I promise to vote whichever way the party tells me to. I am your tool, use me!

Finally, I’m willing to do anything to be a Superdelegate. Anything.

I know that there are people far more qualified than I to direct the future of the Democratic Party, but you, Sir, are legendary for giving young upstarts a chance. So, please, give me a chance. I am even willing provide my own transportation.

Thank you for your consideration,

Captain Adam Hoden


Dictated but Not Read

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Thoughts About Uncle Sam

By Jesus Miguel Hernandez

The following is a recent conversation I heard between the two other contributors to this blog, Captain Adam Hoden and Shamus (Inches) O’Toole.

SHAMUS: So does Uncle Sam have any super powers?

ADAM: What?

SHAMUS: Like, can he fly, or whatever?

ADAM: What, like Superman?

SHAMUS: Yeah, does he have heat vision or—

ADAM: No, dude, he’s not a superhero.

SHAMUS: Then what the hell is he‽

ADAM: Uncle Sam? He’s the embodiment of the American character.

SHAMUS: But he can’t fly, no heat vision, so what the hell good is he?

ADAM: He represents American courage, and spirit, and pride, and generosity, you dumb Mic.

SHAMUS: Great, but he can’t fly.

ADAM: (sighs) No, no he can’t fly.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

And Just Why the Hell Can't I Get a Moxie Around Here?

By Inches O’Toole




I was a fool. I walked into the store yesterday thinking that I was in America, and I could get any food I pleased regardless of the season. You see, every once in a while, I feel a need for a cool glass of eggnog. In the dairy section of the local market, however, I was informed that eggnog is a seasonal drink and that I would have to wait until next Christmas. I asked, quite reasonably, if there was some sort of rationing in effect on eggnog—I mean there is a war on. The clerk told me that they didn’t sell enough of the drink during the off months to warrant offering it. I then became verbally abusive and was escorted off the premises.

This strikes me as being part of a disturbing trend in the food world. I’ve been looking in vain for Hostess Baseballs, a variation on the standard chocolate Hostess CupCakes, which are apparently only available during the baseball season. I find chocolate CupCakes to be unpleasantly sweet. The vanilla flavored Baseballs, however, are refreshing and delightful*.

I was also recently informed—much to my dismay—that Surge, once a staple of high school students across the country, has been taken away from us forever. Luckily, there is among us a tireless group dedicated to bringing Surge back from Coca-Cola’s Soft Drink Purgatory†, where it now rots with the likes of, Vanilla Coke, Coca-Cola C2, Coca-Cola With Lemon (still available in West Bank-Gaza), Coca-Cola Raspberry (seriously), and, naturally, New Coke. These dedicated crusaders will not rest until Surge makes its triumphant return to store shelves. And I am proud to say that I now count myself among their ranks.

*Refreshing and delightful is a registered trademark of the Hostess Corporation
Soft Drink Purgatory is a registered trademark of the Coca-Cola Corporation and Global Cabal.

Screaming Into the Void

By Jesus Miguel Hernandez

I would like to take this opportunity to introduce you to The Special Needs Group. We are three people who often feel the need to spew our choleric bile as an impotent gesture of self-important braying. Though we realize that at best we are just bellowing into a cavernous void, we feel that it is much more fun to do so in a public setting.

The Special Needs Group consists of Shamus (Inches) O’Toole, Captain Adam Hoden, and me, Jesus Miguel Hernandez. Shamus O’Toole is an ass. As a self described ‘tennis hooligan’ the proudest moment of his life came when he threw a scotch bottle at Serena Williams in Wimbledon in 2001. He is not allowed within 30 miles of Palm Beach County, Florida.

“Captain” Adam Hoden is a flabby, sexless nerd. He has been heard quoting extensively from Star Trek, and is known to have a bizarre sexual infatuation with Ellen DeGeneres.

And I am Jesus Hernandez. I sport a mocha completion and have been favorably compared to Ricardo Montalbán circa 1967.

So, welcome to our club! I hope that we are able to provide some measure of entertainment and insight. Please feel free to provide any feedback you wish.

Thanks,

Jesus

Monday, March 3, 2008

Cues to Tune Out

By Captain Adam Hoden

Throughout life you’re going to encounter people who you SHOULD NOT listen to. Salesmen, politicians, elderly relatives, clergymen, and strangers are all going to try to get you to believe things that could be detrimental to your health or well-being. As a public service, The Special Needs Group would like to share with you a list of phrases that, when heard, should be a signal that you should stop listening.


1. I’m a little drunk but…

2. I won’t let no restraining order stand in the way of our love.

3. I was reading about Aleph, and it really got me thinking…

4. When are you going to get a real job?

5. Hello, America, I’m Rush Limbaugh.

6. My pastor always says…

7. You’ve got to start helping me with the baby.

8. No, seriously, Scientology changed my life.

9. Dude, you’ve got to listen, they’re only giving me one phone call...

10. You know what’s wrong with this country? The queers…


Stay tuned for updates.