Sunday, May 4, 2014

Hoden's Guide to Lovemaking and Small Engine Repair #2

Tip #78:

I speak from experience:  ALWAYS be sure to follow immigration laws diligently when bringing a foreign paramour into the country.  If you take shortcuts, you’ll only find yourself holed up in a snake-infested arroyo, trading fire with the goddamn Mexican Marines. 

Tip #78a: 

Trust, but verify.  The absolute worst time to find our that she’s a high-ranking member of the Juarez Cartel is in the middle of a firefight with the motherfucking Mexican Marines. 

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Hoden's Guide to Lovemaking and Small Engine Repair

Tip #5:

If you want to really sweep her off her feet, look deep into her milky white pupils,* take her in your arms while dipping her as deeply as her current hip allows, and in your most seductive voice, tell her "Baby, I'm going to make you forget all about Adolphe Menjou. **


Tip #31:

If you're having trouble starting your rototiller after a long winter, try draining the old fuel from the tank and replacing it with fresh fuel.  Your engine has to work much harder to burn old, stale gasoline--especially after it's been sitting unused for several months.

* Cataracts may make it hard for her to identify you; be sure to announce yourself before attempting physical intimacy.  If she also suffers hearing loss, work out some sort of prearranged secret handshake. 
** Google it. 

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Something Wonderful

From Cap'n Adam Hoden

Now, this requires a little effort, but I guarantee the results are worth it.  First, get a little stoned.  Then, mute the Bruno Mars video:

 

Then, start this video with the sound 'on:'  


Now, allow the two videos to play simultaneously, and enjoy Leonard Nimoy's fucked up day, minus a  mediocre soundtrack. 

Happy Holidays

From The Brotherhood of Gentlemen Alcoholics

From our family to yours, may you have a joyous holiday, no matter what you celebrate

Easter:

What I assume is an awkward, slightly confused Passover:

Whatever the hell Riḍván is: 

Chinese Language Day:

4/20:

Or just Sunday:


Saturday, March 15, 2014


BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!

And for Christ's sake, don't hang around with any Roman Senators...
...They tend to get a little 'stabby.'

Thursday, February 6, 2014

What the Fuck Mormons?

From The Special Needs Group:

I’m on record as a critic of the Mormon Church.  I’ve been critical of it on this very blog, in fact. 

That doesn’t mean I’m anti-Mormon.  Really, I’m really not.  A lot of my friends are Mormon--I actually live in an area where you couldn’t hate Mormonism and still function as a member of the community.  It goes without saying that most members of the LDS church are among the friendliest, most caring, decent people you can find. 

I only really ever call the Church out when it does or says something that hurts innocent people.  The institutional Church support of California’s 2008 Proposition 8 (and one of the groups most responsible for getting that measure passed); allowing, and in some cases, encouraging Mormon families to cut ties with apostate family members, including their teenage dependents; whitewashing the Church’s history; posthumously baptizing Holocaust victims even after they promised their families that it would stop; their past teaching that black people were the feted sons of Cain; their beliefs about women, who--OK this is long past the point of turning into a rant, which I was trying to avoid.

The Prop. 8 fiasco reminded Church leaders why they usually try to avoid the spotlight.  Protesters filled Temple Square, news reports detailed their involvement in bankrolling the efforts to get the bill passed, nation-wide scrutiny, these are all things that the LDS Church likes to avoid.  The Catholic Church is used to this kind of treatment--they probably considered the criticism they received a welcome respite from what they normally have to deal with.  *cough* child rape *cough* 

So why the hell did BYU-Idaho spend money making this weird, unhealthy, offensive piece of shit:
 




Like, a lot of money.  Seriously, the costumes, the weapons, the relatively high production values,  what sounds like an original orchestral score.  This thing took serious time, money, and effort.

It hasn't happened yet, but I'm pretty sure this is going to be a huge, embarrassing shitstorm for the University, and the Church as a whole.  How could it not?  They're saying that jerking off is exactly like fighting in World War II. 

Film Credit: BYU Idaho Housing and Student Living Office (e-mail:  housing@byui.edu).  Voice-over Credit: BYU Idaho President Kim B. Clark (e-mail clarkk@buyi.edu).

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Jesus Miguel Hernandez's Bucket List


Published Without Permission by Cap’n Adam Hoden
  1. Be pulled over by the US Postal Police.
  2. Claim a territory for the United States under the Guano Islands Act.
  3. Reincorporate the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics.
  4. Travel back in time to 1930, push Edith Keeler into the path of an oncoming automobile.
  5. Be elected sheriff in the deep south, immediately give in to corruption.
  6. Find true love, thoroughly sabotage same. 
  7. Gain dominion over life and death, abuse the fuck out of it.
  8. Save Detroit.
  9. Collapse Union of Soviet Socialist Republics.
  10. Steal a Helicopter.
  11. Find out who’s been stealing my blood while I’m asleep. 
  12. Develop blowgun skills to the point that I can reliably hit Rick Berman with a curare dart.  
  13. Have angry intercourse with Anna Gunn.
  14. Learn shorthand.
  15. Apologize to Anna Gunn.
  16. Have angry, tearful intercourse with Paula Deen. ✓✓✓
  17. Finally put an end to the Winter Olympics.  
  18. Assassinate Hitler clone. 
  19. Destroy all records of having cloned Hitler.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

It's Hot, Goddamn It!

From Shamus "Inches" O'Toole

Penthouse just fired me because my letters weren't sexy enough.  My latest one's likely to go unpublished.  I wanted to post it here, but my honored associates refused to let me publish the whole thing.

After hours of negotiation--and serving them drinks full of chopped-up Flunitrazepam-- they agreed to let me share a short excerpt.  Here is what I feel is the most titillating passage:

...She was playing my manhood like a theremin. Not like in Good Vibrations, that was actually an instrument called a tannerin. Both are electronic in nature, and the two
instruments can sound very similar.  In fact, the tannerin is often referred to as an 'electro-theremin' for that reason.

Led Zeppelin often used a true theremin in live versions of Whole Lotta Love, which must be one of the most well-known uses of the device. Actually, I'm sure that some of the more popular songs played around Halloween included theremins, but at that moment, I couldn't think of any. Even if there were some, Whole Lotta Love was probably better known by virtue of being played by Zeppelin. Good lord was that a great band!

I started thinking about Jimmy Page, and immediately lost my erection.

"Oh well," I told myself, "the hour's almost up anyways." In truth, I probably could have salvaged the session, but I didn't want to take the chance of having to pay extra if I went over the allotted time.
I left the cash on the nightstand while she was cleaning up. I left less than I had agreed to pay, but I felt justified--pizza deliveries are free if they don't come in thirty minutes or less. By that logic, this evening should have been gratis.

While I was driving home, the local DJ told me to stay tuned for a thirty minute 'rock block' of Led Zeppelin.

Life was good.

Dude, fuck Penthouse, that's hot as hell.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

[REDACTED]

From Cap'n Adam Hoden

I honestly don't know if I'm more scared or sad anymore.  All I really know is, I'm pretty sure there's no going back.

I can, however, still be a sardonic asshole.  Here's a recent solicitation from the DNC, and my e-mail reply:

Adam --

We're basically out of time.

The midyear fundraising deadline is in just 72 hours and we still have a $730,000 gap we have to fill. If we fall short, Speaker Boehner can rest easy knowing that he has the upper hand going into the 2014 elections. If we see a last-minute grassroots surge, we could actually overtake the Republicans and win a Democratic House for President Obama.

Adam -- if you're planning to give, we could really use your support today.

Name: Cap'n Adam Hoden
Suggested Support: $3.00

Stand with President Obama: Donate $3 today and your donation will be matched dollar-for-dollar >>

When we have to report our numbers to the Federal Election Commission, everyone will be watching to see if our grassroots strength can compete with Boehner and his corporate backers. We can't fall short on this one.

Can you chip in today -- even if it's just 3 bucks?

http://dccc.org/Midyear-Deadline

Let's do this,

Democratic Headquarters

MY REPLY: 

To whom it may concern:
I would love to support the Democratic Party, and I agree that it is important to remove Tea Party Republicans from their positions in Congress.
Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that records of my communications with other US citizens are likely being seized and recorded by the federal government for morally and legally dubious reasons.  
Were I to show my support of the Democrats by donating money to the party and its candidates, this information might be collected, analyzed, and stored for unknown reasons for an unknown period of time.  You'll understand that I cannot take the risk that these records may be used to discriminate against me should the Republican Party ever come to power again.  
Knowing the GOP like you and I do, we're both no doubt aware that when in power, Republicans have a poor track record of upholding civil rights.  George W. Bush especially treated the Fourth and Fifth and Sixth Amendments more like suggestions than the basic, inalienable laws that they are.  Future Republican Presidents would probably be even worse.
I shudder at the very thought of living in a country without being protected from unreasonable search and seizure or the guarantee of due process of law and being tried by a jury of my peers.  What a nightmarish, Orwellian dystopia that would be! You can clearly see why it would be unwise to ever leave a record of my supporting Democrats. 
Regretfully, 
Adam Hoden
PS:  I was glad to hear President Obama's assurances that the NSA's domestic surveillance activities are transparent.  I look forward to reviewing the FISA court cases that no doubt completely  justify the program. . .if and when those records are declassified.  

Dueling Double-0s

From Jesus Miguel Hernandez













They missed their chance in Skyfall, but it's not too late.  It's time to bring Sean Connery out of retirement to play a Bond villain.

I'm not talking about a silly, wink at the audience, lighthearted stream of fanservice villain.  I'm talking about a dangerous, brutal, 'holy shit he might actually win' villain.  I want him to be a villain that hurts Bond.  I want a villain who's actions permanently change the world for the worse.  I'm talking about a villain who will, unlike all the past Bond villains, steal a nuclear bomb, and then fucking use it.  I want Connery to be the Bond villain that vaporizes a city.

You'll never convince me that Kincade wasn't a part that was written specifically for Connery.   You don't write a scene that has a character grease some fucker with a shotgun (complete with that Bond one-liner, "Welcome to Scotland"), without Sean Connery in mind.  But as cool as that would have been, I'm glad he didn't appear.  It would have been a waste of potential.  As the man responsible for building the Bond franchise, he should be the on who poses a serious danger of tearing it down.


Thursday, May 23, 2013

Bears, Oh My!


From Shamus “Inches” O’Toole 

Koalas are evil.  That’s a little tidbit that you won’t hear in the mainstream zoo media.  

Rest assured that a Koala, given the chance, will kill you, torture your family, disembowel and rape (in that order) your pets, chainsaw your friends, and take your grandma to a lovely dinner at an upscale restaurant and order a wine that clashes with the entree.  Then disembowel and rape her (in that order). 

They really are the scheming sociopaths of the marsupial world.  It is very fortunate for us, then, that koalas are incredibly lazy.  

Koalas aren’t out to destroy humanity, at least not in the short term.  No, the primary target of the Knights of the Koala Kabal, or KKK, the race that truly infuriates the two vaginaed Australian eucalyptus munchers is the panda.

We must be vigilant.  If the koalas ever get their shit together, it will spell doom for the cutest of our lethargic, two-toned pseudo bears.  Until then, always remember what Martin Niemöller said, “First they came for the pandas, and I said nothing...”




Photo credits: 'Koala climbs tree' by DAVID ILFF.  'Lightmatter panda' by AARON LOGAN.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

My Advice to Barak Obama

From Jesus Miguel Hernandez

The President didn't do well in his first debate with Mitt Romney, but with my help, I believe he can expect a solid victory if he just remembers that presentation is everything.  Here are my suggestions, given "free" of charge.


  • Republicans are scared of black people.  Use it to your advantage.
    • Walk on stage shirtless, sporting a chest tattoo of that picture of dead Bin Laden that everybody's been demanding; below that, thirteen unexplained tally marks.
    • Wear bloody sports tape over your knuckles.  Is it cow blood or human blood? Doesn't matter, nobody's going to ask.
  • First impressions are key.
    • No matter what the first question is, this will be your answer:
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON THEE!  

  •  A President is only as good as his advisors.
    • Joe Biden redeemed himself at the last debate.  According to article thirteen of the Bruce Campbell Accords, he is now a badass.  Dismiss your Secret Service detail, and replace them with Joe Biden dressed like this:

Now get your ass out there and win this thing.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Clearly She Is a Witch and Must Be Put to Death

From Cap'n Adam Hoden

Have you ever picked up a guitar and started strumming idly?  Then, maybe without you even realizing it, you start to play a familiar riff?  If you're like me, you might have realized that you were playing something you've heard before, and start trying to figure out what it is you're playing.

Perhaps you're the obsessive sort, like me, and so the closer you get to the tune you remember, the harder and harder you try until you've spent the last hour and a half playing the same riff over and over again, and that your fingers are now so sore that it feels like you're typing on sharp, hot coals.

Then, as if by delivered from on high by the vengeful Creator Himself, the realization hits you that you are not, in fact, playing a forgotten favorite from your youth, but rather a 14-second TV jingle that hasn't played on TV since 1990!

Well, dear reader, I have.

Fuck you, Clorox 2.




 Fuck you.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Dixon Hill's a Real Dude?

From Cap'n Adam Hoden

I just changed my desktop image to the Edward Hopper classic, Nighthawks, and I noticed something that shook me to to the nerdiest part of my soul:


 You see that man sitting next to the woman in red?


That's Patrick Stewart.


Nighthawks was painted in 1942, so. . .what the hell?